Steve Harvey wishes you weren’t such a slut

25 03 2009

So I was browsing through Oprah.com yesterday, for, uh, RESEARCH PURPOSES ONLY, and I came across O’s interview with one of the original Kings of Comedy, Steve Harvey. Being someone who occasionally likes to “laugh” at “jokes,” I thought the Harvey piece would be right up my alley.

Oh, my.

Turns out our friend Steve fancies himself as something of a social commentator. And you know his favorite thing to offer commentary on? Women. Specifically, Steve was on Oprah to share with us his pearls of wisdom regarding how ladies ought to behave.

Harvey’s first book, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” currently tops the New York Times best seller list in the advice category, and Oprah, apparently, is lapping it up. According to Harvey, whenever a man approaches a woman, he knows what he wants from her and is trying to determine what it’s going to cost him—a premise that’s hardly revolutionary. In fact, I’m fairly certain I’ve heard it somewhere before.

 

What a dick!

The problem, Harvey says, is that modern women “have stopped setting the bar high.” You sluts are basically giving it away for free. And because, according to Harvey, a gal’s vagina is pretty much all she brings to the table, by giving it up, you’re giving away all your power. Steve is just looking out for you, see.

For reasons that aren’t entirely clear, though, Harvey isn’t comfortable calling sex sex. Instead, he calls it a “cookie”: “We’ve got to have a cookie. Everybody likes cookies. That’s the thing about a cookie. I like oatmeal raisin…but if you’ve got vanilla cream, I’ll eat that too.”

Honestly, I don’t even know what that means.

And how long does Harvey think a lady should wait before giving up her “cookie”? Three months. Months. Look, I’m all for taking things slow if that’s what you feel like you want to do. Fine. Good. But 90 days? I’m a lady, Steve, not a saint.

Of course, Harvey says, you can put out the cookie platter before then, but only at the risk of looking “desperate.” “You all keep changing the rules,” Harvey writes. “And men are aware of the fact that you are changing the rules. We’re aware of the fact that you act desperate. We’re aware of the fact that you think there’s a good shortage of good men out there.”

The flaws, insults and outright misogynies in Harvey’s argument are both too numerous and too obvious to outline here. But it all goes back to the idea that sex—I mean, the “cookie”—is the only thing a woman has to offer that a man could possibly be interested in. Which, when you think about it, is degrading to men maybe most of all.

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35 responses

25 03 2009
Ken

Leave it to Steve Harvey to ruin cookies!

26 03 2009
readergirl

he is the kind of guy i will try to keep my daughters away from!

26 03 2009
Meredith

I’m not even sure why Steve Harvey thinks he is any sort of authority on “cookies” or anything else. Honestly, just because you are some sort of celeb, doesn’t mean I need your ponderings on the life, universe, and everything.

26 03 2009
Joe

1. 3 months? so he’s presuming 1 date/month?

2. mmm … vanilla cream …

26 03 2009
thismayconcernyou

Great post. I agree with plenty of what you have to say. I’ll say this, though: a 90-day rule isn’t a bad thing for men or women.

Too many good people (men and women) starts “cookieing” (that sounds ignorant) too early, and get sick (i.e., they get played). Leave the emotional stuff out of the way until you have some idea as to whether or not you’re dealing with a lunatic, then dive in.

That might be three months, six or one. It depends on the person. But, like SH said to those assclown “hot chicks” on Tyra, only fools engage in one-night stands.

That’s like eating a peanut-butter “cookie” from one of those planets that had to recall their products a few months back. You could end up with a GIFT you don’t want.

Anyway, I’m linking this post to my blog for my Saturday links. Again, great post.

26 03 2009
thismayconcernyou

and no, peanut butter cookie doesn’t mean that all Hispanics have STDs. That’s not the analogy I’m trying to present. lol.

26 03 2009
Lisa B

and why does Oprah care about this jackass and his sexist and rather juvenile point of view? I don’t really know who Steve Harvey isto be perfectly honest but like your blog.

26 03 2009
Melissa Leeanne

Well, Steve Harvey isn’t ever getting my cookie! Not with that attitude! Besides, three months = stale cookies, unless they are full of artificial preservatives. In any case, saying 3 months is absurd, I give away your cookies when you damn well please, whether that be fresh out of the oven or after they’ve cooled a bit. Same with sex.

By the way, can’t recall if I’ve commented before but I greatly enjoy your blogging. Some of the best.

26 03 2009
Melissa Leeanne

strike that extra “I” before give. I only manage my own cookies.

26 03 2009
thismayconcernyou

@Melissa Leeanne: Stale cookies are better than chancing peanut butter cookies with salmonella poisoning …

27 03 2009
CombustionGlass

Comedy gold.. i love that he thinks that ANY man in 2009 is going to stick around for three months while i dutifully fulfill my Hiding of the Cookie.

27 03 2009
John Bianchi

Oy. Steve was on the Today show with this book back in February. When he started talking about giving away the cookies for free and how cookies were the most important thing a woman had to offer, I had to check to see if the alarm had in fact gone off.

Then I heard my 6-yr-old from the other room asking if they were making cookies on television and could she watch. That was when I basically stopped watching the Today show – a show I used to work for. I mean, honestly, what the fuck?

And aside of Today’s stupid editorial choices, there is the whole rotten premise of the book. It seems like three pages of material got stretched over more than 200 pages of wood pulp.

27 03 2009
talldrinkowater

If there were any justice in the world at all, women everywhere would withhold their cookies from arrogant asshats like Steve Harvey. It is not like he is Dog’s gift to women anyway.

27 03 2009
Kristy

What if I only want a guy for his boy cookie? I mean, what else do I need him for? I make my own damn money. LOL.

Srsly though, I have a WONDERFUL man – he wouldn’t not have waited for 3 (nay 1) months. He would have wondered why I had such a stick up my butt about sex, and then probably thought I had more issues than I was letting on about. One does not have to hold the cookie hostage to find a relationship. You just have to make good choices.

If Steve Harvey only wants a woman for 1 thing, then that’s his own damn issue.

27 03 2009
Kevin

Wow, between your post and the comments I’m really getting a sweet tooth!

Seriously?! Cookies? Maybe part of the problem is that so many people make Sex a dirty word!

Anyway, I’m not a big fan of Mr. Harvey’s to begin with but after reading your account of his book I’m not interested in becoming one What makes him think he’s in any kind of position to generalize about women and how they should live their lives.

Just… Lame!

27 03 2009
Joel

Maybe Steve Harvey would be better off eating cookies by himself.

27 03 2009
Big Man

I think it’s an over simplification to say “all” women have to offer is the “cookie”, but I think it’s correct to say that when women have sex with men they lose power.

The reality is that most men are not after a long lasting relationship, at least not initially. We’re after sex. As quickly as possible. There are exceptions to this rule, but it’s a good general rule to live by.

This doesn’t make men dogs. It just means we have different priorities then many women. It doesn’t mean men can’t be in relationships, we can and do.

But, it means that when you have sex with a man you change the dynamic of a relationship and not always for the better. So, it’s a good idea to do some research on the type of man you’re dealing with before you lay down with him. And not just surface research, I means some serious character study.

27 03 2009
urbzen

Big Man-

I–sort of–agree. In a situation where a woman is looking for a long-term relationship and a man is just looking for sex then, yeah, by having sex the woman gives up a lot of leverage.

I’m not arguing that many (most?) men are motivated primarily, if not exclusively, by the prospect of getting laid. What I AM disputing is Harvey’s assumption that women secretly want to marry every dude they hook up with. Seriously, guys, a lot of the time, we’re really NOT that into you.

27 03 2009
thismayconcernyou

@urbzen: More over, I think Harvey is trying to say that whoredom and whoremongering are not cool, period.

He’s saying that guys (notice how I didn’t say men) will take what you give them. And if you open your cookie jar, they will take them and leave you and it empty.

For a different perspective: http://thismayconcernyou.com/2009/03/25/39-steve-harvey/

I still find what you wrote interesting, but like I said, there are too many idiots out there who need to be “enlightened.” It’s unfortunate, but true.

27 03 2009
the problemwithcaring

It seems to me that Steve Harvey wrote this book to all the “good” single, women of color out there, who seem to be lapping it up. See, they were all instructed at an early age in the Maddonna/Whore dichotomy. From the church to beauty salon to the late night tearful debriefing sessions with sisters, mothers, aunts and friends on “What went wrong with Mr. Right;” the answer always is YOU GAVE UP THE COOCHIE TOO EARLY.

It’s never that the man is just emotional unavailable, a misogynist with intimacy issues, a commitment-phobe, fucking your cousin, or just not that into you. It always comes down to When Did you Sleep with Him.

The truth is, while three months is not that long to wait to have sex with someone (I mean, if you are only seeing each other bi-weekly), the idea that some man (or woman. The Rules, anyone??) can proscribe a length of time that it takes a specific man and specific woman to respect each other is beyond preposterous.

But in real life, it would fly in the face of the paradigm for women of color to say “BUT HEY DIVORCED STEVE HARVEY. I AM WOMAN, BUT I LIKE SEX TOO.” It’s easier for Oprah and others to accept it and try to claim power from their sub-status as women (i.e. Our pussies are magic! Men cannot resist!) instead of trying to assert real power. Personally, I think Black women could do a lot for themselves, their communities and the world if they stopped listening to little dicks like Steve Harvey and started telling Black men, Eat my pussy, fuck me right AND call me tomorrow, or Fuck off and let me date your brother.

27 03 2009
Dangerously Not in Love, Weekly Format « This May Concern You

[…] Urbzen’s interesting spin on why Steve Harvey doesn’t want you to be a whore and his new… […]

28 03 2009
HoboSpaceJungle

I met my wife on a Tuesday. She came to a party at my house on a Saturday. We ‘slept’ together the following Tuesday. We have been inseparable since. Next week is our 10th anniversary. My wife is my best friend, is more intelligent than I am, makes 8x more money than I ever did (we decided there’s no point in my working) and, well, I have no idea what reality Steve Harvey is living in. There are no rules for relationships. Every one is like a snowflake. Oprah is a money machine, perhaps even human. She has lent her money-making aura to Steve Harvey for some reason. Perhaps historians one day will discover why. Why anyone would look to a book for love/relationship advice is beyond me. It’s like obscenity. You know it when you see/feel it.

30 03 2009
Bellamomma

Considering Oprah’s track record with her suggested reads, a book like this was bound to turn up on her bookshelf eventually. And really, does anyone take dating/marriage advice from a divorced man & a perpetually single woman? (Stedman doesn’t count as a boyfriend when he’s never seen or spoken of) And WHYYYYYY do men feel the need to tell women how to be stronger/better/more enlightened WOMEN? That’s like me telling a man how to pleasure himself – I’ve never owned that equipment & should just keep my opinion to myself.

But beyond all of that: why is Oprah supporting the “Women are only good for sex & once we’ve got it we’re out of here, if you want a man to stay then string him along & don’t ever let him ‘hit that'” mentality? If you want to have sex – have sex. If you want to find a good man that will stick around, then bygod search him out. Just know that a truly good man won’t run or stay based solely on a sexual timeline.

30 03 2009
Lady-Cracker

Yes you have heard that before. It was 70’t feminist wisdom.

Look like a lady, think like a man and work like a dog.

31 03 2009
[fung'ke] [blak] [chik]

Wow, this is a great post!! Steve seriously needs to lay off the social commentary and stick to comedy..and considering that the books are flying off the shelves, it only shows how desperate some ppl are.

1 04 2009
The cow is not for sale. « U R B Z E N

[…] my post last week about divorced comedian Steve Harvey’s book of so-called advice for single women, “Act Like a […]

1 04 2009
lola gets

Great post! I just might highlight this on my site.

L

5 04 2009
Mz G

RE: Why buy the cow ….

And the rest of that simple maxim goes ….

Why buy the whole pig when all you want is some sausage
(LOL)

BTW, Steve Harvey is the LAST person on earth I would take advice from. And, his relationship track record is the pitts.

But, worst of all ….

He also cheated/conned his not-too-bright first wife of almost 20 years, Mary Lee Harvey, out of her fair share by getting her to agree to a quick and quiet divorce using HIS attorney, to avoid having his adultry, lousey parenting and spousal abuse made public. So both parties are using the SAME attorney (duh) and, of course, she got the raw end of the deal … her alimoney, child support and her “fair share” of community property comes to a measley $1k monthly.

Poor dear … she was skunked by a skunk.

5 04 2009
Mz G

Read the article: “Tom Joyner Show: Uprooted in Chicago And Replaced By Steve Harvey”

Then VOTE : Do you think Tom Joyner got a raw deal from Clear Channel?

Vote at: http://entwire.blackvoices.com/2009/03/24/tom-joyner-show-uprooted-in-chicago-and-replaced-by-steve-harve?icid=sphere_wpcom_inline

19 05 2009
Yolande

Steve uses ‘cookie’ for women’s vaginas, not sex itself.

27 05 2009
tt

Waiting really works…
I have a great relationship with my current boyfriend and “cookie” is not an issue.. He respects my decision to remain celibate and I respect his. 🙂 I really do not think Steve is trying to dictate anything. I agree with a lot of his views concerning relationships. I grew up with guys and a lot of what Steve is saying is true concerning relationships with them.

27 05 2009
HoboSpaceJunkie

@tt — you don’t have a current boyfriend. you have a friend who’s a male. a friend who’s a male who probably masturbates obsessively out of ‘respect’ for your decision.

If what a lot of Steve is saying re: relationships with men sounds true to you, I assert that you grew up some strange hybrid of human male. Either that or their sex drive was killed by religion.

What with his being a hypocrite due to the disparity between his own private life & what he preaches, I wouldn’t take a single word of advice from him. Good luck with your cookies. Keep it clean.

1 06 2009
Sabrina Messenger

and I wish Steve Harvey and all of his ilk would STOP trying to cash in on other people’s insecurities in terms of relationship…and quit laying guilt trips on women in particular. I thought this was 2009, not 1959. His attitude toward women who embrace their sexuality is a really judgmental and negative one. If he thinks women who sleep with a man before 90 days is a slut, then what does that make the man?

4 06 2009
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