2009 Matrimonial Olympics–Closing Ceremonies

4 01 2009

*You can read Part 1 of this post here

First off, a big thanks you all of the blog readers, tweeple and assorted other internet types for your humor, support and overall service as a release valve during the past week or so. Without you all I no doubt would be sitting in Arapahoe County lockup, awaiting trial on multiple felony indictments.

That said, here are some lessons learned during the past week:

  • Unless you chose your bridesmaids based on body type alone, there is no single style of dress that is going to flatter everyone. On the other hand, there are several styles that flatter absolutely no one.
  • You can call it sage or celedon or anything else, but when cast in ruched taffeta it just looks like cabbage.
  • Nobody wants to drop $250 on a cabbage suit.
  • If the high on your wedding day is 22 degrees, don’t take the formal pictures of your wedding party outside.
  • If you do take them outside, don’t expect anybody to smile.
  • No, we don’t want to take “a fun one.”
  • Really? You spent $15K but you couldn’t spring for anything beyond Miller Lite and Sutter Home White Zin?
  • Seriously, white zin? Does this look like a double-wide?
  • It is one of the world’s greatest injustices that men get to go out for a wild night of bachelor party shenanigans, while women are subjected to utter banality of a “bachelorette brunch.”
  • And forgive me if I don’t get all giggly when the obligatory bottle of KY appears.
  • If I’m required to wear it to the ceremony, it doesn’t count as a gift.
  • Finally, if you throw a bouquet at me, don’t be surprised when I throw it back. Hard.

To be honest, I didn’t have a completely horrible time at the wedding (the bachelorette brunch was a different story altogether), and I still can’t believe that my baby sister is now somebody’s wife.

Also, does this get me out of going to her graduation in May?

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12 responses

4 01 2009
Carlin Comm

Ha, thanks for posting this.

I shoot wedding photos / videos, and think I’ll make this post required reading for my future clients!

Thanks for the laugh… I know, it might still be to fresh in your memory to laugh at, but come back in a while 🙂

Carlin in Seattle
@carlincomm

5 01 2009
Enraged to be married « U R B Z E N

[…] Enraged to be married 29 12 2008 *You can read Part 2 of this post here […]

5 01 2009
Shari

Um, you may still have to go to graduation, that is unless she has a baby shower first. Now THAT will be funny to hear about in your words.

Sutter Home is definitely classy if you drive an El Camino and have car parts splayed all over your property…. Too funny.

5 01 2009
Gina

I paid for my bridesmaid’s hotel costs for the weekend, their dress and jewelry, and for their manicures/pedicures…is that an okay gift? We were on a VERY tight budget back then as I know my friends were too being just out of college and didn’t want to make them pay for a bunch of stuff. Since I paid for things that most bridesmaids usually have to pay for, I didn’t have money for a gift too!

Very funny blog entry…I’m so glad my bridesmaid days are OVER!!! Some brides actually expect penis shaped straws and I am NOT a fan of frequenting sleezy sex shops to buy a game of pin the dick on the dick…oh, I mean, man.

5 01 2009
Kelley

Well put! I was married over a year ago and kept things pretty low key – boy am I grateful we did! Now that I’m in some of my friends’ weddings I seriously question their taste, tact, and thoughtfulness/selfishness…people are incredible when it comes to weddings…

Deepest sympathy on the cabbage dress – I have a NEON green Jane Jetson number that I even got the joy of buying dye-to-match shoes for. Halloween costumes?!

At least you can wear whatever you want to the graduation…right?

5 01 2009
L.Marie

LOL… I admire the way you described your weekend from hell! Look at it this way; your baby sister owes you one! Also, “no” this doesn’t get out of attending the graduation ceremony. Just get her a crappy gag gift and call it a day!

6 01 2009
darleene

Ohhhhh, I totally know how you feel. I wrote a whole secret blog about my last experience as a bridesmaid. And when I say last, I mean LAST. Shhhh, don’t tell anyone.

6 01 2009
readergirl

this is a great blog- i love your sensibility! when you are serving 3types of mac n cheese after coming back from a city hall wedding, your sis will be kissing your feet while her first born, jamaica, looks on!

almost 20 yrs ago, i had a huge wedding- did nothing but show up (my drama free mom handled it all) and my parents had an open bar. we still get raves about it!

6 01 2009
Kay

Thanks for your blog commit, on StrictlyWeddings.Com.

6 01 2009
Jaime

You are hilarious!!! Thanks for your comment on my blog, http://www.itsajaimething.com – glad you left it, now I’ve gotten a chance to visit yours and it’s fabulous! Your humor is refreshing, you’re like the “Anthony Bourdain” of the wedding world. Keep up the great posts!

Sincerely,
Jaime

7 01 2009
Kim

Priceless and oh so true!

10 01 2009
The Dateable Dork

Oh my god, this is totally hilarious! I couldn’t have said it better myself. : ) By the way, I’ve never heard of a “bachelorette brunch.” Sounds like the exact opposite of what a bachelorette party should be, right? Oh well, I’m glad you survived! I’ll be going through something very similar next weekend, so it’s good to have someone to sympathize with.

I’m still laughing at “$250 cabbage suit.”

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