Enraged to be married

29 12 2008

*You can read Part 2 of this post here

As many of you know, this weekend my little sister is embarking on what can only be described as the Matrimonial Olympics, and yours truly has the (mis)fortune of playing a supporting role. With that in mind, and with a serious debt of ingratitude to what has to be the single most horrifying list of wedding etiquette in history, I drafted a form letter that I plan to include with every wedding RSVP I send from this point forward.

Dear Bride,

Congratulations! I really am happy for you two. Whether you are getting hitched for love, for security or just because the baby Jesus wants you to, your wedding is sure to be a day you’ll remember forever.

That said, I’d just like to offer a few guidelines so that you don’t come out of your wedding having fewer friends than you have ecru-and-celedon ceramic gravy boats.

 

  • Contrary to popular belief, bridesmaids are not dolls, they are real human beings with lives, concerns and finances of their own. Please consider that 50 lbs of pink taffeta is probably not how these women would have chosen to spend their annual bonus and tread lightly. The point of having a wedding party is to share an important day with the people who matter to you most-not to incite resentment by insisting they refrain from hazardous activities like skiing, driving and walking for a month prior to the wedding, lest somebody has the nerve to get injured and ruin your big day.
  • And speaking of, it’s your day, not your week.
  • In regard to gifts: That’s precisely what they are, gifts. Marriage is an important milestone, but your particular life choices don’t mean that anybody owes you anything beyond a warm “Congratulations.” And please spare everyone the lecture on how much a head your reception is costing. You’re the one who had to have the arugula and glazed duck; we’d have been perfectly happy with mac & cheese.
  • And don’t get all huffy if somebody decides to go off registry. Again, it’s a gift. And they’re wedding guests, not Santa.
  • Finally, spare us the martyr act. The more you whine about the crippling stress involved in throwing yourself a big goddamn party (often with somebody else’s money), the more we want to smother you with an embroidered satin pillow. Seriously, some people have real problems.

 

All that said, I hope your wedding is the beginning of a wonderful marriage. Because if this doesn’t work out, next time you’re not getting shit.

Love,

Me

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21 responses

29 12 2008
Rachel

Well said. It’s horrifying, the way some people treat weddings. Hope you survive the “festivities”!

30 12 2008
Jen

Man, I’m still not right after reading that horrifying wedding etiquette list. Good Lord, what is happening to this world??!! Your post is spot-on, though.

30 12 2008
EmilyPostal

That’s awesome. I seriously don’t know how some of my friends manage to be in 10+ weddings in a year. Even when I’m merely a guest, if travel is involved, it ends up costing at least $1,000 each. I had my wedding so I can’t be bitter, but I was a very good bride to my ‘maids: affordable dresses for the ceremony and expensive liquor at the reception:)

30 12 2008
Nicola

That ettiquette list made me want to cry. Mostly because I think the author is going to really struggle in her marriage if she does not mature a bit more and think beyond the party to the road ahead. Of course, I am a jaded mom of 3… still married after 15 years… but my voice comes from the trenches and I can bear witness to the lovely wedding towels we were gifted being used to clean up kid puke. Priorities sometimes only come sharply into view after life kicks you in the face a few times. Few of us get to duck in time to avoid the wake up call. I expect she will join the ranks of us realists sooner or later….

30 12 2008
Christopher L. Jorgensen

I am so not going if mac & cheese is all that’s offered. I’d love me some arugula and glazed duck though. Well, I think anyway. Off to google what the heck an arugula is.

30 12 2008
Dena

Wow! No kidding about that etiquette list… I mean, only 88 tips?? I was hoping for a bit more guidance than that…. Good luck at the wedding, hopefully it will give you something to laugh about later on!

30 12 2008
Carmen Villadar

Steph, well put. This is so funny ad yet entirely true. I’m retweeting this, over and over. hahahha. *hug*

Carmen
@digitalfemme

30 12 2008
Kelli

They really, really don’t want you to get something that’s not registered for. It’s tip #10 and #14. “It’s not clever and/or original, it’s annoying!” Whatever! If my friends know me better than I know myself, bring it on!

30 12 2008
dogsmycopilot

As someone who could not afford a wedding, and had no friends and family to attend it if she had, I see you as bitter and envious. Great post.

30 12 2008
Neena

Man! I wish I would have had this letter about 5 years ago. It would have really helped. I would even consider a clause about bridesmaids that are already married and have just given birth. That adds a whole new level of bitchiness to the mix!

30 12 2008
Rochelle Feil

Love it!

31 12 2008
Josh

Um….seems like an obligation then a romantic scenario even slightly condescending.

31 12 2008
Josh

Actually i think to have a bride that immature the groom would be embarassed and the bride prob wouldn’t show up to the ceremony …… just mail the papers in. Afterall who wants to subject themselves to a room of people they hardly know that are obviously there for some obligation but cant stand the bitch. Its funny how we do certain things that r dishonest hoping to help some1 out.

31 12 2008
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31 12 2008
tammy bailey

Well said! I think weddings are to over rated in this day and age.It use to be a formal affair with the people who mean the most in your life! In this day and age its all about how much you spend and how many people you can invite to get a gift from! Brides now days are spending as much on a dress as it would cost for a down payment on a house! Is the person your going to spend the rest of your life with really interested in what the dress cost not unless he is paying for it! Its about who is wearing it And what that person means to them! You can bet he didnt spend maybe 30min getting the right tux and he wont have it hanging in the closet five to ten years because he rented it! Because to men it means as much as last nights dvd he rented it used it and takes it back the next day ! I am a firm believer in buying secound hand when it comes to wedding and prom dresses most where only used once but cost that person alot i got remarried 2year ago in a dress that cost someone else 1000.00 i spent 150.00 and resold it 3months later for 150.00 and when it was all said and done i have great pictures and what matters most a wonderful husband and money can not buy that! So think before you spend about what it is your buying and how long it will last or if you can reuse it!

1 01 2009
Erica

Whenever I have expressed a similar sentiment to my friends, they have stared at me like I have seven heads. I am in for a world of pain and probably a few broken friendships. I feel for you.

1 01 2009
The Dateable Dork

Amen, girl!!! Pretty please would you send this letter to a few of my friends as well? I am SO glad that I’m not the only one who feels this way. So true about having to spend what little extra money we have on dresses and shoes and gifts and all that bullshit. I’m happy for these people, but not so happy that I’m willing to look like an idiot in an unflattering dress and spend lots of time and money that I really don’t have. Ahhhhhh, I hate weddings.

Good luck this weekend. Keep your head down and power through it.

2 01 2009
ciara

wow, that etiquette list was ridiculous. that right there was a good enough reason to never say YES to a wedding. greedy (insert expletive here).

your letter cracks me up and it’s pretty much right on lol 🙂

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14 07 2009
Fiona

I love weddings – they can be so much fun. It’s basically a big party where all the people who mean most to you in the world are. We had a fabulous one and I really enjoyed it. Some people did come and forgot to give gifts or cards, however it was great that they were there – that was the important thing. Gifts are nice, but sharing the day with your nearest and dearest is what counts.

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