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23 12 2008

Thanks to The Dateable Dork for inspiring this post, in which we investigate the horror that is the Charmin Bears.

My favorite Charmin Bears ad is, unfortunately, not available online anywhere (yes, I checked YouTube, helper), but it is pitching a new line of pre-moistened toilet paper with the tagline “You’re not done yet!” which I take to mean “There’s still a little shit on your ass!” I really do pity the poor agency staffers who had to sit down and create daytime-friendly advertising for a product designed specifically to remove annoying stuck-on fecal matter, one can only imagine the spots that didn’t get green-lit.

Not everyone is as forgiving. Kate, from Tiny Pineapple, comments on Jodiverse.com:

I ABHOR, DETEST and REVILE the fucking SHITTING “Charmin” bears. Seriously, who still thinks that this ad campaign should continue (and CONTINUE and CONTINUE ad nauseum). GOD – the MUSIC, the stinginess of that fucking parent bear (four squares???? FOUR SQUARES????? I don’t care is NASA made the toilet tissue; sometimes you need more than FOUR FUCKING SQUARES), the smug “post-shitting” look of satisfaction on the faces of these wretched ursine creatures – EVERYTHING. OH – and don’t get me started on the DUCK. We, evidently, were lulled into a complacent daze where four sheets of magic toilet tissue was PLENTY to “do the job” (no pun intended) and THEN, that fucking quacker insists that we need special WET WIPES just to make certain that we are SQUEAKIN’ CLEAN. Perhaps if the fucking miserly Pappa bear would dole out more than FOUR SHEETS OF TOILET TISSUE that whiney little cub wouldn’t NEED specialized MOIST shit wipes. Or get a fucking BIDET.

Besides, if I wanted to see a bear SHIT IN THE WOODS, I could find a forest nearby where there are ACTUAL BEARS. Yes, I might suffer an untimely death, but if somehow I made a bargain with the Universe that my untimely death would stop Charmin from running those FUCKING SHITTING BEAR COMMERCIALS, I might just consider it a “good death.”

Hear hear, Kate. Hear, hear.

And lest you fail to grasp the horror, here’s another Charmin Bears spot featuring the hilarious perils of leftover toilet paper bits:

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3 responses

27 12 2008
Joel

Apparently “clingons” are a serious issue somewhere–imagine the focus group?

Pollster: “Um, Mr. Smith (should I just call you that?) once you’re done blowing out the back of the bowl, do you sometimes find yourself standing up before you know you’ve wiped out the Clingons?”

Mr. Smith: “Does a bear shit in the woods? Of course it’s an issue! Having tiny bits of turd stuck to my ass curlies has been an affliction all my life. If you’ve got something to help, I’d greatly appreciate it.”

Pollster: “Eureka! Bears! With shitty ass hairs! Everyone gets that!

and so on. Bleah.

5 01 2009
christinetremoulet

Have you seen the latest one? It is like a freakin’ sports announcer is talking. It is seriously creepy. I hate it! Stupid bears!!!

5 06 2009
Kate

I’m so gratified to find brothers and sisters who concur with the utter and unfathomable CREEPINESS of the whole “Shitty Charmin Bears” advertisement campaign.

When I saw the newest commercials WITH THE “CLINGONS” I seriously wanted to shake someone – HARD – and cry, “Why, WHY, WHY??????” No one was about, unfortunately, but for my Kitten Children, and I try to avoid “Shaken Kitten Children Syndrome” so I resorted to SCREAMING AT THE TELEVISION. I grant you, it isn’t the first time I’ve resorted to this, but I was especially vehement on this occasion.

Where is the focus group that – *gulp* – actually LIKES these bears and how can we humanely dispose of them?

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