“… it dang near KILLED him!”

2 12 2008

An open letter to everyone at the Trader Joe’s on Sepulveda last night around 5:30:

Hi there. I feel like we might have gotten off on the wrong foot yesterday, when you were shouting into your cell phone, blocking two aisles and apparently convening the goddam UN Security Council to discuss the merits of organic asparagus while I was wishing under my breath that you would fall into a deep, deep pit and stay there, with Dick Cheney, for eternity.

So, I just want to propose a few ground rules so that we can all play nice and nobody has to get stabbed, m’kay?

  • The express lane items limit is neither a suggestion, a minimum, nor an average. I don’t care if you’re “in a hurry,” “just going to be real quick” or “suffering massive internal bleeding.” Get in a different line.
  • If you leave the checkout line for whatever reason, you automatically lose your spot. Yes, it sucks, but everyone’s not just going to stand around while you spend five solid minutes pondering the exactly ideal shade of banana. Go to the back of the line.
  • The ratio of employees to shoppers at 5:30 on a weekday is approximately 1 billion to one.. Don’t wait until you get to the front of the checkout line to ask if they’re out of vegetable frittatas. If the vegetable frittata shelf is empty then yeah, they’re out. Come back later.
  • In the parking lot: Do not put your car in reverse, honk furiously and expect me to back up three car lengths because you see a spot about to open up. You missed it. Better luck next time.
  • A personal check? Seriously?
  • And to the woman whose high-decibel cell phone conversation included, “Well of COURSE he has to have a colostomy, it was so close to his rectum!” please consider Peapod.com.

    See you all next week!

    Love,

    Me

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    9 responses

    2 12 2008
    Christy Season

    This is so funny! I feel the same frustrations. Especially when someone pulls out a checkbook..ugg!

    You left out the rule about your shopping cart taking up an entire isle – if you’re browsing a shelf, move your cart to the side.

    And there’s also the annoyance of those who don’t come to the store with any type of plan or list. They just meander the isles so slowly and I always get stuck behind them!

    @ChristySeason

    2 12 2008
    allgood2

    Hey! I meander the isles when shopping. If you plan so, well ‘plan’ a better time to go shopping. Just kidding. I pull over to the side, and smile at those who look frantic and frustrated. Of course, I frequently shop at 4am in the morning, and really why would you be frantic pre-crowds.

    2 12 2008
    Zen

    That’s so funny because here in NJ, the Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s type places attract a much better breed of polite grocery shoppers. I suppose it’s so mainstream in California that it attracts all walks of life like any other grocery store.

    2 12 2008
    Marie

    Thank you for posting this! It’s very funny, but it’s also – unfortunately – very accurate.

    It’s truly amazing regarding the “attitude” certain shoppers have at Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods, particularly Whole Foods – at least the Whole Foods stores in L.A. Leisurely parading up and down the aisles at a snail’s pace – blocking other shoppers – smug because they’re buying organic products in order to appear hip and “with-it”. Smirking at and openly ridiculing other shoppers. Holding up the check-out line while they loudly brag to one another about their “environmentally responsible” ways – as if the rest of us are not. *sigh”

    2 12 2008
    D'Alene

    Also…..Don’t pull your cart alongside of you. There is no room for the “doublewide” effect.

    5 12 2008
    jess

    nice!! good times!!

    6 12 2008
    Douglas

    Funny. Being a 50 something married guy, it would be a normal thing to dislike food shopping with the wife, but I don’t, however the little woman sometimes asks me to stay home unless she wants some “shopping excitement”. Sounds kinky already, but wait… it gets better.
    Wandering from isle to isle can; and usually is; frustrating. Carts blocking the isle, friends chatting [with their carts side by side] and just generally exuding “I’m ignoring you”. Supermarkets jammed with everyone and their brothers making our tasks that more less fun.
    I decided to liven up the party a bit. I went to a bicycle shop and got one of those plastic horns that fit on the handlebars and adapted it to a clip. Now when we go shopping, I clip it on the cart and HONK at people. Some laugh…some don’t. But I never have a dull moment. It’s REAL fun to CONSTANTLY honk the horn when someone’s on their cell phone and you hear their side of the night before or hemorrhoids or…pick a subject.
    Yeah, I’m a Happy Shoppin’ Guy..

    8 12 2008
    Becca

    i hate that trader joes, passionately. in fact, my distaste for those shoppers [ read: those self-absorbed, impolite, self-serving pack of un-housebroken snots ] so much so that i will drive 5 minutes, past my house, to the one in south bay. that is not as well stocked.

    11 12 2008
    lorrwill

    holy farkin schnidt this is funny.
    And yeah, the cousin of your cell phone lady was in the Walnut Creek Trader Joe’s on Sunday, in the effing express lane going on at 125 decibels about family substance abuse problems, unwanted pregnancies, etc.

    Toss her in that Dick Cheney pit, too.

    Oh, and I see the Whole Foods Disease is universal. Keeps me from shopping there evah.

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