Why we’re no longer friends on Facebook.

17 11 2008

Hi. This is awkward.  Well, awkward for you anyhow. You might have noticed that I recently terminated our friendship on Facebook. Please try not to be too upset. This decision is by no means a reflection on you or on the validity of your thoughts, feelings, and posted items. I’m just really, really tired of hearing about them. The reasons for your termination include the following:

  • Status updates that could apply to every single person on Facebook. Really, you hate Monday? You’re glad it’s Friday? You’re looking forward to the long weekend? Well somebody alert the goddam media.
  • Using your status updates solely as a vehicle to promote your website, consulting company or crocheted cat sweater store on Etsy. Violation will be considered particularly flagrant if accompanied by a sleazy headshot and words like “Deals” or “Opportunity.”
  • Gratuitous banality.
  • Overuse of exclamation points and/or emoticons. If you need them to tell me how! happy! you are!!!!!! you should probably just work on becoming a more effective writer 🙂 !!!
  • Missing the irony
  • The sincere belief that song lyrics express your unique emotions
  • Repeatedly harassing me about your lil green patch. I do not want to know about the size and/or color of your patch. 
  •  Posting things everyone has already seen, fifteen times, more than a week after we saw it. What? Sarah Palin made an ass of herself with Katie Couric? Well let me get right on THAT.
  • I never actually liked you anyway.

Please note that the above list of Facebook Friend Violations (FFV) is not intended to be exhaustive and that we reserve the right to terminate friendships for any reason and without prior notice. Kthx.

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13 responses

17 11 2008
jennyonthespot

This is funny.

Also makes me think since I was recently unfriended… But I don’t know who it was. I think in MY case, though, my awesomeness and depth was intimidating and they simply felt unworthy to be my friend. I’m sure of it 🙂

Thanks for following me on Twitter – I am off to follow you too. Hope I don’t scare you away *wink*. Also, I will never use Qwitter.

17 11 2008
spaceyg

A take-no-online-prisoners type I see you are. Will now friend-request you on FB. My updates are guaranteed to please or your money back.

17 11 2008
@brianbolter

If you could get Facebook to include this as an attachment for every ‘de-friending’ incident … you would be my new hero. I’m promptly reblogging now.

17 11 2008
chibi

I love it! However, I’m one of those weird, angsty people who would appreciate a message like this so I’d know why. *whines* }:-)

As for the lil green patch (and other) requests, block the application. Or better yet, block the inviter. I’ve done it many, many times and my notification box thanks me for it.

17 11 2008
ClizBiz

Love this – friggin’ hilarious and so true. Be funny, insightful, relevant or don’t bother.

17 11 2008
Rob Gokee

Thank you, this is incredibly funny. And correct. SO correct. I’ve deleted people for most of these reasons.

17 11 2008
Ian

I think I’ll post this on FB in about a week. Stay tuned!

17 11 2008
Amanda Brumfield

Jesus you’re funny.

17 11 2008
8junebugs

So, you follow me on Twitter and then I come over and see this?

No pressure.

Chirp if you would prefer I DON’T trackback to this — otherwise, I am rebroadcasting your awesome.

17 11 2008
Baby the Maltese

LOL! Ok, this one totally makes me laugh.

18 11 2008
Big Mike

Nice list but you missed one — “Once a brain dead AOLer, always a brain dead AOLer”.

18 11 2008
Ari Herzog

I’m sorry to hear we’re no longer friends on Facebook. It’s a shame, really… for we never were. Maybe there’s hope for us yet.

26 11 2008
Zen

In a sense, Facebook has brought back some of the worst of AOL circa the 90s.

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